Talk with Your Teen about Healthy Relationships

Talk with Your Teen about Healthy Relationships

TheBasics

You can help your teen build strong, respectful
relationships. Start by teaching your son or daughter about healthy
relationships.

Unfortunately, many teens find themselves in relationships
that are unhealthy. One in 10 teens report being physically abused by a
boyfriend or girlfriend in the last year.

You can help your kids:

• 
  Develop
  the skills they will need to have healthy and safe relationships
• 
  Set
  expectations for how they want to be treated
• 
  Recognize
  when a relationship doesn’t feel good

When you talk with your teen about relationships, you make
it clear that you are available to listen and answer questions.

When do I start talking with my child about relationships?

It’s never too early to teach your child about healthy relationships. In fact,
you’ve probably been doing it all along. When you taught your son to say
“please” and “thank you” as a toddler, you were teaching him about respect and
kindness.

Your own relationships also teach your kids how to treat
others. When you treat your kids, partner, and friends in healthy, supportive
ways, your kids learn from your choices.

Kids learn from unhealthy experiences, too. If your child is
experiencing violence at home or in the community, he may be more likely to be
in an unhealthy relationship later on.

When do I start talking about dating relationships?

The best time to start talking about healthy dating relationships is before
your child starts dating. Start conversations about what to look for in a
romantic partner. For example, you could ask your child:

• 
  How
  do you want to be treated?
• 
  How
  do you want to feel about yourself when you are with that person?

What makes a relationship healthy?

In a healthy relationship:

• 
  Both
  people feel respected, supported, and valued
• 
  Decisions
  are made together
• 
  Both
  people have friends and interests outside of the relationship
• 
  Disagreements
  are settled with open and honest communication
• 
  There
  are more good times than bad

What makes a relationship unhealthy?

In an unhealthy relationship:

• 
  One
  person tries to change the other
• 
  One
  person makes most or all of the decisions
• 
  One
  or both people drop friends and interests outside of the relationship
• 
  One
  person yells, threatens, hits, or throws things during arguments
• 
  One
  person makes fun of the other’s opinions or interests
• 
  One
  person keeps track of the other all the time by calling, texting, or checking
  in with other friends
• 
  There
  are more bad times than good

People in unhealthy relationships may have many excuses to
try to explain away the hurtful parts of the relationship. If you see these
signs, talk to your teen.

What is dating violence?

Dating violence is when one person in a romantic relationship is abusive to the
other person. Dating violence includes emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
It can happen in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships.

Both boys and girls can be unhealthy or unsafe in a
relationship. That’s why it’s so important to talk to all kids and teens about
how to be in respectful, healthy relationships.

Who is at risk for dating violence?

While dating violence can happen to anyone, teens may be more at risk of being
in unhealthy relationships if they:

• 
  Use
  alcohol or drugs
• 
  Are
  depressed
• 
  Hang
  out with friends who are violent
• 
  Have
  trouble controlling their anger
• 
  Struggle
  with learning in school
• 
  Have
  sex with more than one person

What are the warning signs of dating violence?

It’s common for teens to have mood swings and to try out different behaviors.
However, sudden changes in your teen’s attitude or behavior could be a sign
that something more serious is going on.

If you think this may be the case, talk to your teen to find
out more.

Watch for signs that your teen may have a partner who is
violent.

Here are some changes you might see in a teen whose partner uses violence:

• 
  Avoiding
  friends, family, and school activities
• 
  Making
  excuses for a partner’s behavior
• 
  Looking
  uncomfortable or fearful around a partner
• 
  Losing
  interest in favorite activities
• 
  Getting
  bad grades
• 
  Having
  unexplained injuries, like bruises or scratches

Watch for signs that your teen may be violent.

People who use physical, emotional, or sexual violence to control their
partners also need help to stop. If you see these signs in your child, your
teen might need help with violent behaviors:

• 
  Jealousy
  and possessiveness
• 
  Blaming
  other people for anything that goes wrong
• 
  Damaging
  or ruining a partner’s things
• 
  Wanting
  to control someone else’s decisions
• 
  Constantly
  texting or calling a partner
• 
  Posting
  embarrassing information about a partner on Web sites like Facebook (including
  sexual information or pictures)

Help your teen stay healthy.

By talking with your teen about healthy relationships, you can also help
prevent the long-term effects of dating violence. Both partners in a violent
relationship can develop unhealthy behaviors, even after the relationship ends.

A victim of dating violence may experience:

• 
  Eating
  disorders
• 
  Depression
• 
  A
  pattern of violent relationships
• 
  Drug
  or alcohol abuse

A partner who is violent may experience:

• 
  Loss
  of respect from others
• 
  Suspension
  or expulsion from school
• 
  Loneliness
• 
  Trouble
  with the law

Watch for signs of dating violence and help your teen stay
healthy now and in the future.

Take
Action!

Talk with your kids to help them develop realistic and
healthy expectations for relationships.

Share the facts about healthy relationships.

You can help your teen develop problem-solving skills by asking how he’d handle
different situations. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Ask your child, “What would you do if:

• 
  ...you
  think your friend’s partner isn’t treating him right?”
• 
  ...your
  partner is calling you to come over whenever you try to hang out with your
  friends?”
• 
  ...you
  see a friend yelling at his girlfriend in front of everyone at a party?”

It might help to use examples of relationships from TV,
movies, or video games to start the conversation.

Be sure to listen respectfully to your teen’s answer, even
if you don’t agree. Then you can offer your opinion and explore other options
together.

Set rules for dating.

As kids get older, they gain more independence and freedom. However, teens
still need parents to set boundaries and expectations for their behavior.

Here are some things you may want to talk about with your
teen ahead of time:

• 
  Can
  friends come over when you aren’t home?
• 
  Can
  your son go on a date with someone you haven’t met?
• 
  How
  can your daughter reach you if she ever needs a ride home?

Be a role model.

You can teach your kids a lot by treating them and others with respect. As you
have conversations with your teen about healthy relationships, think about your
own behavior. Does it match the values you are talking about?

Treating your kids with respect also helps you build healthy
relationships with them. This can make it easier to communicate with your teen
about important issues like staying safe.

These resources can help you understand your teen and model
respect:

Talk to your kids about sex.

Teens who have sex with more than one person are at higher risk of being in an
unhealthy relationship. Talk with your children about your values and
expectations.

Talk with your kids about tobacco, alcohol, and
drugs.

While alcohol and drugs don’t cause violence or unhealthy relationships, they
can make it harder for kids to make smart choices. Talk to your child about the
dangers of tobacco, alcohol, and drugs.

Talk to your teen about any concerns.

If you think your teen’s relationship might be violent, you can:

• 
  Write
  down the reasons you are worried.
• 
  Tell
  your teen why you are concerned about him. Point out specific things that don’t
  seem right to you.
• 
  Listen
  to your teen calmly, and thank her for opening up.

Instructions

1     Notice that your teen daughter is much more concerned about her
body image, her status among friends and other female peers, and competition on
all levels, whether related to sports and extracurricular activities or among a
group of peers.These changes may result in your daughter becoming depressed,
losing her positive self-esteem and lacking confidence. This may be out of
place with what you are used to seeing.

• 2Observe if your daughter
  begins to obsess about her weight and insists on dieting in an unhealthy
  manner. Talk to her about the emotions she is experiencing and why she has
  decided she is too fat or too thin, too tall or too short. If the reason is
  related to a remark made by another teen girl, whether the other girl is
  outside of her group of friends or not, point out that the girl(s) making the
  remarks may be jealous or just trying to goad her into reacting in a negative
  way.
•  
  • 3Let your daughter know
    that diets, whether to lose or gain weight, must include all the food groups,
    since both her external and internal body is still developing.
  • 4Listen to your teenage
    daughter. If she is using demeaning or rude verbal and nonverbal behaviors on
    another teenage girl that her friends or immediate peer group are ostracizing
    or who they do not like, let your daughter know that that treatment could cause
    that girl to react with physical violence of some kind or to even harm herself
    out of anguish.
  • 5Ask your daughter to
    close her eyes and imagine herself being made fun of or shunned by others, and
    how that would make her feel. Then tell her to remember those emotions when she
    is tempted to treat other girls poorly.
  • 6Know that by her teen
    years, your daughter has probably learned to hide her anger, disappointment,
    frustration, pain and other negative emotions, because society tends to put out
    the message and the expectation that girls are the "nurturers" and
    are "motherly" and "feminine."
  • 7Take time to talk your
    daughter about that societal image of females as nurturers, letting her know
    that as a female in the modern world, she can be both nurturer and provider,
    and that strength comes from acknowledging those negative emotions and by not
    being afraid to show them. Let her know that anger, disappointment and other
    negative emotions are a natural part of being human, and what is important is
    learning how to deal with them in a healthy manner.
  • 8Talk to your teen
    daughter about how to express her emotions in a safe way. This may be through
    written or verbal skills, art or a club at school like debate and thespians.
  • 9Observe if, after
    developing a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a peer, your teen daughter
    exhibits behaviors that make you fear she is being verbally, emotionally or
    physically abused by that person. If so, contact a school counselor, the local domestic
    abuse and sexual assault center or other professional who is trained on how to
    deal with peer abuses.
  • 10Go to a parent-teacher
    group meeting or school site meeting and encourage teachers and counselors to
    work with you and other parents on helping girls learn how to solve problems
    without hurting themselves physically or emotionally.
  • 11Talk to the chamber of
    commerce, the superintendent of schools, local mental health providers,
    counselors, principals, teachers and other students about creating a mentoring
    program. You could even suggest asking for public donations or holding
    fund-raisers to support a program of this type if funding is an issue.

Instructions

• 1Pay attention to
  potential signs of depression. Signs of depression include loss in appetite,
  exhaustion, long-term feelings of hopelessness, sleep problems and a dramatic
  change in social life. Do not ignore her behavior. Tell her that it is okay to
  be experiencing angry or sad feelings and acknowledge that they are a normal
  part of growing up. At the same time, explain the difference between
  situational depression, which changes as her life balances out a bit, and
  clinical depression, which is not something she can combat herself.
• 2Talk to her what is
  going on in her life. Be concerned, but not pushy. It can be very difficult to
  open up about painful emotions. The key is to build trust with your teen and
  show her that you care, so that she will be honest with you. Building trust
  requires constant communication and being available for her when she needs you.

• 3Try to help her analyze
  why she is feeling a certain way. It is important to recognize what kinds of
  things bother her, so she can learn to deal with them individually. Ask her
  questions, such as, "How does it make you feel emotionally and
  physically?" Just having someone to talk to about her problems can be very
  therapeutic. Listen, without inserting your opinions, to everything your teen
  has to say. This can be a difficult step for some, but listening quietly
  indicates that what she is saying is important and valid.
• 4Discuss possible
  solutions or some ideas that might make your teen feel better. Be careful not
  to instruct her to do something or to put pressure on her. Make gentle
  suggestions and see how she reacts. The goal is for her to learn to develop and
  manage stressful situations on her own.
• 5Change your teen's
  lifestyle. Talking about problems is important, but regular exercise and sleep
  as well as a nutritious diet can help reduce stress and anxiety and keep your
  teen healthy. Do not force your teen do anything she doesn't want to do. Make
  plenty of suggestions and see what works for her. The key is to let her know
  that you care about her and want to help her.
  
  
  
  How to
  Instill Self Esteem in a Teenage Girl
  
  
  
  1Tell her "I Love
  You" - everyday. It's amazing how powerful those three simple words are to
  a young soul. Don't wait for a special occasion or sentimental moment, just
  blurt it out during the course of the day, even while doing the dishes or
  watching tv.
• 2Display photos of her
  throughout your home. Seeing herself around the home silently instills
  confidence in children. Whether it's in a nice frame on the mantle or a goofy
  snapshot on the fridge, it lets her know that she's an admired and important
  member of the family.
•  
  • 3Leave her notes on a
    regular basis. Even if it's just to let her know that you've gone to run an
    errand, address her in the note as "Darling Daughter" or whatever
    silly pet name you've adopted for her such as "Princess Cutie." This
    conveniently lets her know what's going on and at the same time offers an
    opportunity for you to let her know how much you're thinkig of her. And always
    sign the notes, "With Love." (See step 1)

4Do not make her the complete "center"
of your world. This may be a hard one for many, but by giving your daughter the
right amount of time and attention she needs without making your life
completely ALL about her life, you build her self-reliance and eliminate
neediness in her. Letting her know that you have other interests, teaches her
how to be a more well-rounded and interesting individual.

• 5Set a good example. Not
  a perfect example, but a good one. When she sees confidence in you, it
  demonstrates, better than anything, the kind of person she'll want to be when
  she grows up.